"What's Up?"

“[Thirty four] years and my life is still; trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination. I realized quickly when I knew I should, that the world was made up of this brotherhood of man for whatever that means. And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out what's in my head and I, I am feeling a little peculiar. And so I wake in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high (on oxygen) and I scream from the top of my lungs, What's going on? And I try, oh my god do I try; I try all the time, in this institution. And I pray, oh my god do I pray; I pray every single day, for a revolution.”

How can I sum my current life any better? Thank goodness for “4 Non Blondes” and their song. It really depicts what I am feeling over here. Feeling like I am standing in a black hole where nothing moves, nothing happens while everybody that I care about moves on with their lives without me. My life here is stagnating; there are no real joys but to look forward to an email or a letter on mail day. I have stopped reading, stopped writing and I lie to myself all the time by saying that everything is alright. How can I be? I live in constant uncertainty, nothing is guaranteed and I cannot count on having all the things I wish I had.

I often think of my children and it disturbs me to feel as if they were a distant dream. I miss them so dearly and I miss being Vanessa, the mother. I miss having tender moments with my children; the moments that have kept my sanity over so many years. Here, nobody knows that side of me; they only know CPT Hill the smart ass, the loner and the weird. I lock myself in my room and dream of my life getting better, of getting out of this place with something that would have made it worth my broken heart, something more than money. Consequently, I am enraged with my current situation. The more I think about what I am getting out of this deployment, the more I discover that change here for these people is almost impossible, it cannot be done in a year and this feeling of loss and misdirection is all in vain.

What’s the alternative? How long am I going to live in constant fear of having to sacrifice my desires again? And who the heck said that we love what we doing over here? Who did they ask? I am happy to serve my country but I am sure not happy about the mission they have sent me to do. To make a long story short, if there could be a way to make you a hopeless person in a matter of a couple of months…this is it!

A Day to Celebrate...

Eight years ago, in front of the JFK memorial in Dallas, TX, a 26 year old woman—I—celebrated the 34th birthday of the man that would become the father of her children. I have spent a wonderful time with “the guy with the great tan and the pretty blue eyes,” and for his birthday I gave him the biggest birthday present that I have ever given to him; telling him that I was carrying his baby. There are only a few true significant moments in life and this one was one of them. I told him that I was going to take a picture of him in front of the memorial and while I held the camera I said, “Smile, I am pregnant!” and snap the shot of this face right after the news.

It has been eight years since that day but the magic of that moment will always remain. Ever since then, Trace has always put his role as a father is front of any other variables in our lives. He has given more and sacrificed more than any man I know for the sake of his children and for me. Today honey, I want to thank you for being a wonderful father to your three sons. I want to thank you for being there for and for having faith in my goals and my decisions.

There is not much I can write without being too personal when it comes to you, so I am going to leave it for your personal email but know that I am thinking about you here in Iraq and I hope you have a Happy Birthday with the boys. I love you.