It was 4:30 am, and I suddenly jumped up from my bed with what I will describe as the urge to visit Mr. Commode. As in any emergency, I hurried to the facilities without giving any thought to my current living situation. Anyway…there I was, going about my business and then poof! The power went out. So, there I was, stuck in the stall…thinking that there was toilet water all over the floor and that I should not let anything fall; I decided to wait. While waiting I was thinking, “wow, what a way to start my birthday!” and almost instantly I broke out in the most solemn yet funny “happy birthday” song I have sang in my life. I could not help but to laugh and ask myself the question that has recently become a daily inquiry… “What the hell am I doing here and how did I get here?"I have to say that even though I miss my husband and my children incredibly, the rest of the day was not bad at all. I went to work and checked on the Iraqis and they are still doing—or not doing—the same thing. The still cannot answer any of my questions with a direct answer and they still think I can get them infinite amounts of office supplies, uniforms, and tools. I did not sit down to drink “chi” today though because I felt like since this is MY day, the only day I can call my own, I should not do things I do not want to do.
The Iraqis do not cease to amaze me neither does the naïve people that believe there has been a major cultural change in this country. I find it difficult to believe that notion after living amongst them for almost a year now. I am incredulous because I have watched an Iraqi officer show off a video of a woman being stoned by a group of people and then smile about it as if it was natural and good for her. I am skeptical because I learned of people that charged others to put in a “good word” for them along with an application to the Iraqi army—keep in mind you do not need to pay to join the army. I can go on and on but the list is truly remarkably long so I will filter them through several posts.
Overall, the day was pleasant even though there was no water for me to take a birthday shower and my dinner consisted on two grilled cheese sandwiches. The day could have been a lot worse and at least I had tons of family and friends remember my birthday and they wish me love, peace, and happiness. I wish the same to all of you that read this…peace…
When I found out I was pregnant with my son Kabral, I was happy and willing to have him, but I was also apprehensive about raising a child. I reflected on my childhood and wondered if I would be able to break the cycle of emotional distress, l lived through. I wondered if I could be a good a mother. I was certain that I could care for the child but I also knew that to be a great mother I had to give up some goals I had for my own—at least for the first five years of his life. 
My entire query were answered the first day I walked into the hospital with contractions, the day that the doctor told me I was already dilated, and a delivery that early in the pregnancy did not have good odds due to the immaturity of his lungs. It was in that moment that I knew—for sure—that I wanted Kabral and that I would do anything and everything to make sure he will have a good life; a life better than mine and a life full of opportunities. It was then that I sworn, I would never put my professional or personal dreams in place of his; it was then that I became a MOTHER.
Waiting for a taxicab on that February afternoon, I abruptly realized that, yes, I was having the baby that day, there was no way to stop it, and yes, it was six weeks before my due date. I already had the walk through neonatal, they taught me what I had to do and how I would have to handle him. After 18 grueling hours of—emotional and physical— pain, hunger, thirst, and anticipation they rolled me in the delivery room where after three huge pushes a beautiful baby boy came to this world screaming and crying. 
My first words were, “well, I guess his lungs are developed enough!” and after watching the team of doctors that had gathered by the incubator examined my son carefully, I was told that he was healthy and that I could hold my baby. Kabral was 5 lbs 6 oz and 19 inches long and was born at 10:05 am on Feb 14, 1994. To this day, he is the best Valentine’s Present I have received and I seriously doubt I could get a better one.
I devoted myself to Kabral—exclusively—for the first five years of his life. That’s why I did not go to all the military schools, he is the reason why I put off my college education and finally graduated when I was 33 years old but know this; if I had to do it all over again, I would do it without hesitation. I am happy of the accomplishments in my life but I am happier to know that I have not done it at my child’s cost. 
Now, he is fourteen. He is the most amazing and handsome fourteen year old I have ever met in my life. There is not one day that I am not thankful for having such a bright, kind, and overall great human being as my son. To be his mother is the greatest honor given to me. So, today Kabral…I want to thank you for choosing me as your mother. I am sorry I missed your birthday but I promise I will make it up to you and I know that your Dad will show you just how special you are to us. I love you son, you are the reason I became the woman I am today. 
