The Heat is On...

Spring is gone and with it the spring showers and the cool breezes. The temperature has passed 100˚ F already. The little grass that grew here is now burnt and all the nasty desert critters are out and biting. The air conditioners are on high and the sun block made it out from the drawer to the top shelve. It is not even May yet!!!! 

We spent 10 days in an American FOB because we were needed to turn in our HMMVs (High Mobility Military Vehicle) and draw the new and improved MRAP (Mine Resistant Ambush Protected) vehicles. We scheduled four days of training but still had other business to attend over there. I was happy that my buddy Sonia was back from leave when we arrived at the FOB. Although I like the guys, I was not looking forward to spending 10 days with them or wondering alone through the base. Lack of planning resulted on having the tents for our sleeping quarters.

Sonia and I went to the tents at around 11pm and said “hell no” so we arranged to take our stuff somewhere else and took care of our business. Do not ever underestimate what determination can accomplish… Anyway,…It was a grueling week, the temperatures were high and oppressing. The training was mediocre and we ended up driving around the same roads for 4 days, quite boring after the second time around.

On Friday, we took the test and graduated from the MRAP Training….WOO HOO!!!! The whole week was a poorly planned event but I will refrain from commenting too much on the subject. I currently have less than 22 days to arrive in the United States of America. I cannot wait!!! But I just found out that I gained 10 lbs and now have 22 days to try to get back to my normal weight, nicely done!!!

I tried to stay up to date with what has been going on back in the States, especially the primaries. I do not know if I am as excited about this election as I was in the beginning. I feel like the democrats are handing this election over to the other party. At this pace, the republicans will not even have to campaign. Why bother when you have two clowns ripping each other to shreds right now. I wish that soon, very soon…the candidate that is behind could think about what is good to the Country and concede. Come on people….this is not about you!!! This is about 140,000 Army troops in Iraq and all the Air Force, Marines and Navy that are here also doing things that are way out of their comfort zone.

While I was in Warrior, I noticed the obvious difference that it makes to work and live with the Iraqis every day. The people that live in American FOBs and do not have to deal with the Iraqis on a daily basis—MiTT teams included who do not actually live with the Iraqis all the time—have a total different perspective of what really goes on in the Iraqi Army. The difference is monumental, it is almost hard to explain, and the only way I can attempt to do so is by saying…it is like the difference that exists between how you behave in a corporate dinner and how you actually behave at home.

I know I am being vague but I promise there will be more to follow…PEACE!!!!                                                                                         

A Note left for ToxicTidepool...

This post has explicit language. I suggest you do not read it if you are offended by strong language. It was posted somewhere else but I have decided to let you all read it also...

From Iraq With Love for ToxicTidepool

by valeana30

Wed Apr 16, 2008 at 02:48:03 PM BT

Before I begin writing this note--I want to call it a note--I must put a disclaimer and let you all know that I am ESL (English as Second Language) and therefore, I tend to make lots of mistakes with my verb tenses. With that said...This note is to describe my feelings about my tour in a strange land and to let you all know a little bit more about the one all of you call ToxicTidepool; I call him Baby, Honey, Boo Boo....

• valeana30's diary :: ::

I have been serving in Iraq now for the past 11 months of my life. I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, a wife, and a mother to three beautiful sons. I joined the Army when I was 19 years old and the Golf War was at its closing stage. Consequently, it is impossible for me not to realize that "war" is the main job description for an American Soldier. Still,...I always thought that if the time would come for me to leave and spend time in the middle of a war...well...that it would be an honorable cause. I am not so sure about that right now...

I came to Iraq with an open mind and trying not to make judgment. I thought that even though we should not have gone into Iraq, it was necessary to stay there now and ensure they were prepared to manage their own country. I really thought that we should not pick up and leave because their chaos was created by us. I have gone through immense changes of opinions throughout my tour here. Although my heart still hurts for the children and innocent people of Iraq, I am frustrated and exhausted. I have spent almost a year directly working and advising an Iraqi Officer but unfortunately, I do not have much to brag about.

My job here has been extremely limited by the fact that I am a woman and by the fact that their culture does not allow them to be open minded. I spend most of my days proving myself right or showing them wrong. It is annoying. To add to my frustration, I think of my family and I wonder why the hell I had to leave my children and husband if I had no chance to make a change. OK, yeah....they have more cultural awareness, blah, blah, blah...it all briefs well....at the end of the day I am nothing but a big mouth American woman. I cannot tell you how many times I lie in bed and cry in anger.

I used to be a nicer person; at least I think I was when I was at home. I know for sure that I am a good mother; I have not bluntly messed that up yet. Now, I am so cynical...pessimistic...My life at home is surreal, it is like a distant dream that I once had. I have spent the last two years of my life alone, without my children...sometimes I forget that I had them. I go out driving my badass HMMV and I think I am in the middle of a Mad Max movie; I forget that my sons would cry if they even saw the situations I have had to go through. Then I come back to my room, lose all my 50 + pounds of gear and get ready to jump in the shower. It is in that moment that I stop being this retarded GI Jane and I am human. In my birthday suit, I see my c-section scar, my stretch marks in my tummy and I then bent over in sorrow and break into tears. My children...I have three of them...what am I doing and why the fuck am I here!!!!

Other times I lie in bed alone and I need warmth,...yes, the kind that only ToxicTidepool can give me. I cry, and cry...what have I done? How much more can I ask of this man? It has been since January that I felt his lips kissing my lips and his touch caressing my body. I miss getting up in the morning to do PT and kissing him goodbye. I miss watching him smile and be silly with me. Shit, I even miss arguing with him...!

I know that when ToxicTidepool writes his diaries he sometimes sounds like he is over his head but you have no idea how wonderful this man is. He has been taking care of our three children by himself for the past two years. He takes them to music lessons, games, concerts,...you name it. He reads to them at night, cooks them healthy meals and tries to stay on top of the laundry. He has done everything in his power to maintain a stable environment at home and when I saw the kids during Christmas, I could see with my own eyes that he is doing a magnificent job. It takes a lot to ensure a two year old baby does not forget about Mommy through the next two years....he did that. My baby—who is not a baby anymore because he just turned four—acts as if I have never left him. It makes it so much easier for me to deal with the guilt.

So, ToxicTidepool gets mad at times and have kicked the dog, maybe he curses more than he should but you know what...fuck it...I love him just like that. I get mad too. I throw shit against the wall, go running stupid for endless miles until I throw up, I blast heavy metal in room, and sing WAR PIGS at the top of my lungs...Anger is natural. Deployments make people mad, very mad.

I am close to come home now, I am more scared than I have ever been and I am trying to be as careful as I can. I barely sleep anymore but when I do, I lately wake up agitated because I dream about explosions and the enemy getting inside of our little compound. I sleep with my M9 under my pillow and my riffle under my bed. WTF...this is not life.
Anyway, I am done ranting for now, I have to get ready to go and stay in the American Base for the next two weeks. I am sad because I will not be able to talk on the messenger with my Honey but I will try to compensate by eating all the Baskin Robins ice cream the Army Dinning Facility has to offer.

To close this little note, I want to say that is it my opinion the Military Service Member are being abused and disregarded by our top officials. I feel as my life is expendable while the originators of this mess enjoy the peace and high gas prices at home. Not everybody is fighting this war, only a small percentage of the population is being touch by this war. Still, many people support staying here for years to come. To those that support and unlimited occupation in Iraq I say, if you are so adamant about this cause take a trip to the nearest recruiting office and enlist everybody in your family of serving age...I guarantee you that your mind will change after you live with these people for a year. PEACE!!!

Party Invitation

Missing The Changes...

On April 4, 2008, my precious little boy turned four years old. Once again, I sat in somber silence and contemplated the past two years gone by. In my room, I watched the family videos that we took before we separated in the Summer of 2006. I suddenly found myself crying and hating the last two years of my life. What do I have to show for all this time? Guilt, nothing but guilt.

In 2003, Trace and I planned to conceive our third child and in 04/04/04, we were blessed with Mr. Vance Korben Hill. He made his entrance in our world and claim it his own. Ever since my pregnancy, Vance made me feel different and when it was time for him to be born, he also decided he would come on his own terms and in his special transverse way.

Vance decided he would come into this world late and after finding a comfortable place in my belly, he refused to assume a birthing position. Consequently, having Vance was only possible through surgery but I just wanted to make sure our baby was safe...And so he was, at 8 lbs 5 oz and 21 1/2 inches long, he was a healthy baby boy. My blonde, blue eyed boy...I cannot believe he came from me!!!

 

He was a beautiful, quiet, and perfect baby and to this day, he has not cease to impress me with his outgoing personality and his incredible memory. I left my baby when he was two years old, he just turned four, but I still have an image of a baby in my mind. I missed the day that stopped calling motorcycles "mimiacles", I missed the first day he went to the toilet on his own and the day he stop wearing diapers for good. I missed several haircuts, laughs, cries, and I missed watching him lose his baby fat.

I will be home in 43 days and I cannot wait to start rebuilding my relationship with my sons. I cannot wait to make up all the time I have stolen from my children; to receive the unconditional love that only a child can give you and to reciprocate with all my love and attention. I know I cannot get those years back, I know that I can never re-enact the milestones he traveled while I was gone but now I can make sure I am there for the rest.

  

Luckily for me, Trace has done an incredible job and my baby son still calls for Mom, even in his sleep. I am so blessed to have a family that celebrates me every day and with everything they do. The next step is get home; get home the four men in my life, :).

Vrod, I hope you had a wonderful birthday and that you enjoyed your chocolate cake. I cannot wait to see you grow and to share thousands of special moments with you. We just have to make it through this next 43 days and then your Mommy will be there with you again to baby you and give you all the hugs and kisses that you like so much. Just say you'll wait... you'll wait for me....

These are just some of the pictures we have taken of our little boy over the past four years. Vance looks just like his Dad but he is incredibly photogenic like his Mom....ha ha ha. Peace!!!!