Moving on to a better life...

For all of those who had been reading my blog for the past year or so--or even a few months--I would like you to know that my Family and I have arrived in our new duty station in Puerto Rico. We have finally settled and want to share our experiences with all of you who had faithfully followed my journey through the roughest emotional times of my life.

I want to thank all of you that gave me your support and would love to hear from you in our family blog.

Please click on the Blog name and it will redirect you to it or simply type www.hillplanet.blogspot.com in your web address bar.

Again, thank you and we hope to hear from you soon.

Pirates of the Caribbean

My Preparation to Leave a Year Long Love and Hate Relationship with Iraq...

I am finally looking at K-1 from the back window of an MRAP. I am not driving; I am not part of the “teams” in the convoy; no aid and litter team, no LZ team… I am just a passenger, I am just doing my last 10-mile trip across Kirkuk to reach the American base and then move on and fly away.

It was an eerie feeling to move out of my room on Sunday…I was out of my comfort zone now. That room witness so much of my life and yet, it was only four walls in a crappy Iraqi building. The tears, the laughs, the frustration I felt this past year was all displayed in the privacy of those four walls. My anger after the stomach revolting feeling of betrayal, and inability to do what it takes to fix it all was felt by those walls with every pen, phone, key chain—or whatever was in sight—that I threw against it. Most of all, the horrifying realization of loneliness while I cried for those that had never let me down, those that hold me when I was down and helped me up, was only safely flaunted inside those four walls.

At the same time, moving into a transient room gave me the sense that I was leaving soon; that soon I would not have to worry about running to those four walls in order to be myself. This has been a life changing year and it is not because I saw dead bodies—which I did not—or because I was engaged in huge battles—which I was not—it is because I saw some of the real Iraq. It is because instead of fighting them, I tried to live with them, to co-exist in the same space and with very little distance. …A new temporary room …focus…focus!

On May 16, 2008, I took my last trip to the nasty bathroom, last trip to the coffee pot in the kitchen, and finally my last walk through the doors of the building that accommodated me for almost a year. I jumped in the back of the MRAP—after putting my bags inside—and I sat in the back; “I am passenger today,” I thought to myself. We drove to the range for the last time, I looked at the airfield where I went to run—, or walk—then I looked at all the other buildings in the compound as we passed by.

Finally, out the gate and into the streets of Kirkuk but somebody else if honking the horn to the incoming traffic, somebody else is keeping the traffic away from the vehicles behind us. She is gentler than I was. I was too jaded to be patient; it is time for me to move on. I watched the whole town pass by from the back window of an MRAP, something I have never done before. I have always driven while I was here, only for four convoys did I not go as the lead vehicle. It is very different when you can actually look around. I saw things off the left and the right that I have never seen before because I always focused on the road and the immediate sides of it.

I am living out of a bag again. Usually, that is something that I detest but today I made an exception because this time, this bag will take me home. I am not sure how long I am going to be staying in the American Base in Kirkuk, there are horrible sandstorms today, and visibility is poor to none. Flights have been canceled and I am not sure how that will affect us but one thing is for sure…I am coming home!!! I am on my way, home sweet home!!!!

The Heat is On...

Spring is gone and with it the spring showers and the cool breezes. The temperature has passed 100˚ F already. The little grass that grew here is now burnt and all the nasty desert critters are out and biting. The air conditioners are on high and the sun block made it out from the drawer to the top shelve. It is not even May yet!!!! 

We spent 10 days in an American FOB because we were needed to turn in our HMMVs (High Mobility Military Vehicle) and draw the new and improved MRAP (Mine Resistant Ambush Protected) vehicles. We scheduled four days of training but still had other business to attend over there. I was happy that my buddy Sonia was back from leave when we arrived at the FOB. Although I like the guys, I was not looking forward to spending 10 days with them or wondering alone through the base. Lack of planning resulted on having the tents for our sleeping quarters.

Sonia and I went to the tents at around 11pm and said “hell no” so we arranged to take our stuff somewhere else and took care of our business. Do not ever underestimate what determination can accomplish… Anyway,…It was a grueling week, the temperatures were high and oppressing. The training was mediocre and we ended up driving around the same roads for 4 days, quite boring after the second time around.

On Friday, we took the test and graduated from the MRAP Training….WOO HOO!!!! The whole week was a poorly planned event but I will refrain from commenting too much on the subject. I currently have less than 22 days to arrive in the United States of America. I cannot wait!!! But I just found out that I gained 10 lbs and now have 22 days to try to get back to my normal weight, nicely done!!!

I tried to stay up to date with what has been going on back in the States, especially the primaries. I do not know if I am as excited about this election as I was in the beginning. I feel like the democrats are handing this election over to the other party. At this pace, the republicans will not even have to campaign. Why bother when you have two clowns ripping each other to shreds right now. I wish that soon, very soon…the candidate that is behind could think about what is good to the Country and concede. Come on people….this is not about you!!! This is about 140,000 Army troops in Iraq and all the Air Force, Marines and Navy that are here also doing things that are way out of their comfort zone.

While I was in Warrior, I noticed the obvious difference that it makes to work and live with the Iraqis every day. The people that live in American FOBs and do not have to deal with the Iraqis on a daily basis—MiTT teams included who do not actually live with the Iraqis all the time—have a total different perspective of what really goes on in the Iraqi Army. The difference is monumental, it is almost hard to explain, and the only way I can attempt to do so is by saying…it is like the difference that exists between how you behave in a corporate dinner and how you actually behave at home.

I know I am being vague but I promise there will be more to follow…PEACE!!!!                                                                                         

A Note left for ToxicTidepool...

This post has explicit language. I suggest you do not read it if you are offended by strong language. It was posted somewhere else but I have decided to let you all read it also...

From Iraq With Love for ToxicTidepool

by valeana30

Wed Apr 16, 2008 at 02:48:03 PM BT

Before I begin writing this note--I want to call it a note--I must put a disclaimer and let you all know that I am ESL (English as Second Language) and therefore, I tend to make lots of mistakes with my verb tenses. With that said...This note is to describe my feelings about my tour in a strange land and to let you all know a little bit more about the one all of you call ToxicTidepool; I call him Baby, Honey, Boo Boo....

• valeana30's diary :: ::

I have been serving in Iraq now for the past 11 months of my life. I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, a wife, and a mother to three beautiful sons. I joined the Army when I was 19 years old and the Golf War was at its closing stage. Consequently, it is impossible for me not to realize that "war" is the main job description for an American Soldier. Still,...I always thought that if the time would come for me to leave and spend time in the middle of a war...well...that it would be an honorable cause. I am not so sure about that right now...

I came to Iraq with an open mind and trying not to make judgment. I thought that even though we should not have gone into Iraq, it was necessary to stay there now and ensure they were prepared to manage their own country. I really thought that we should not pick up and leave because their chaos was created by us. I have gone through immense changes of opinions throughout my tour here. Although my heart still hurts for the children and innocent people of Iraq, I am frustrated and exhausted. I have spent almost a year directly working and advising an Iraqi Officer but unfortunately, I do not have much to brag about.

My job here has been extremely limited by the fact that I am a woman and by the fact that their culture does not allow them to be open minded. I spend most of my days proving myself right or showing them wrong. It is annoying. To add to my frustration, I think of my family and I wonder why the hell I had to leave my children and husband if I had no chance to make a change. OK, yeah....they have more cultural awareness, blah, blah, blah...it all briefs well....at the end of the day I am nothing but a big mouth American woman. I cannot tell you how many times I lie in bed and cry in anger.

I used to be a nicer person; at least I think I was when I was at home. I know for sure that I am a good mother; I have not bluntly messed that up yet. Now, I am so cynical...pessimistic...My life at home is surreal, it is like a distant dream that I once had. I have spent the last two years of my life alone, without my children...sometimes I forget that I had them. I go out driving my badass HMMV and I think I am in the middle of a Mad Max movie; I forget that my sons would cry if they even saw the situations I have had to go through. Then I come back to my room, lose all my 50 + pounds of gear and get ready to jump in the shower. It is in that moment that I stop being this retarded GI Jane and I am human. In my birthday suit, I see my c-section scar, my stretch marks in my tummy and I then bent over in sorrow and break into tears. My children...I have three of them...what am I doing and why the fuck am I here!!!!

Other times I lie in bed alone and I need warmth,...yes, the kind that only ToxicTidepool can give me. I cry, and cry...what have I done? How much more can I ask of this man? It has been since January that I felt his lips kissing my lips and his touch caressing my body. I miss getting up in the morning to do PT and kissing him goodbye. I miss watching him smile and be silly with me. Shit, I even miss arguing with him...!

I know that when ToxicTidepool writes his diaries he sometimes sounds like he is over his head but you have no idea how wonderful this man is. He has been taking care of our three children by himself for the past two years. He takes them to music lessons, games, concerts,...you name it. He reads to them at night, cooks them healthy meals and tries to stay on top of the laundry. He has done everything in his power to maintain a stable environment at home and when I saw the kids during Christmas, I could see with my own eyes that he is doing a magnificent job. It takes a lot to ensure a two year old baby does not forget about Mommy through the next two years....he did that. My baby—who is not a baby anymore because he just turned four—acts as if I have never left him. It makes it so much easier for me to deal with the guilt.

So, ToxicTidepool gets mad at times and have kicked the dog, maybe he curses more than he should but you know what...fuck it...I love him just like that. I get mad too. I throw shit against the wall, go running stupid for endless miles until I throw up, I blast heavy metal in room, and sing WAR PIGS at the top of my lungs...Anger is natural. Deployments make people mad, very mad.

I am close to come home now, I am more scared than I have ever been and I am trying to be as careful as I can. I barely sleep anymore but when I do, I lately wake up agitated because I dream about explosions and the enemy getting inside of our little compound. I sleep with my M9 under my pillow and my riffle under my bed. WTF...this is not life.
Anyway, I am done ranting for now, I have to get ready to go and stay in the American Base for the next two weeks. I am sad because I will not be able to talk on the messenger with my Honey but I will try to compensate by eating all the Baskin Robins ice cream the Army Dinning Facility has to offer.

To close this little note, I want to say that is it my opinion the Military Service Member are being abused and disregarded by our top officials. I feel as my life is expendable while the originators of this mess enjoy the peace and high gas prices at home. Not everybody is fighting this war, only a small percentage of the population is being touch by this war. Still, many people support staying here for years to come. To those that support and unlimited occupation in Iraq I say, if you are so adamant about this cause take a trip to the nearest recruiting office and enlist everybody in your family of serving age...I guarantee you that your mind will change after you live with these people for a year. PEACE!!!

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