A Mother's Day Without My Kids

It seems like time is just flying by here now. We are in the last stretch of our training trying to plan out all the things we need to do to get out of here with everything that we need. We have been training on how to clear and search buildings—something that our team will not be doing, hopefully. We also had convoy live fires last week and were out in the field until 4:30 am. Besides those few days, there has been a lot of down time which makes me a little upset because I rather spend that time with my kids at home.

Last Sunday was Mother’s Day and it had to admit that it was the hardest Mother’s Day for me. I have been away from my kids before during Mother’s Day but there is something about knowing that you won’t spend the next one with them either that makes me sad, very sad. My children are going through many changes and I have to learn about them through emails and phone calls. I find this unfair but…these times shall also pass and things are going to be better.

The past 9 months of my life have been a true revelation for me. I have spent so much time by myself I had no choice but to get to know Vanessa, to know who I really am. I feel like I have done years of growing while being away. My senses, my emotions and the way I look at life is so much different than how it was last summer. I have truly learned to appreciate the little things in life. Being here in Kansas—especially—has been a true test to my strength but somehow I have learned to find something beautiful that will keep me smiling at least once a day.

Therefore, to make my day a little better and to find some peace, I drove west to a state park where I laid on the grass and chased butterflies all day. It was cute…I saw some Monarch and Red Admiral butterflies—also known as Vanessa atalanta—they were flying all around me and so, in my loneliness, I found comfort and beauty. I guess this was a reminder that there’s beauty everywhere, you just have to choose to see it…you have to open your eyes and see the things that are right in front of you before they fly away. I am being blessed now by seeing all the beauty around me and recognizing it as such. Here's a Vanessa atalanta...

This is the sunset over the reservoir and also a picture of the country side in the plains of the midwest...there's peace everywhere you want to find it...

Reality Check....

We are getting close to the end of our training here in “Funtown.” To be completely honest, I have not been this frustrated, ever! in the last 15 years of my military career. I have been waiting for news of our graduation date, our leave and our fly date out of here but it all has been one after another futile effort to be proactive. Today, I was finally told—even though it's not official—that we will have 4 days to visit our families…lovely!!! While other classes enjoyed numerous 4 day weekends plus 8 to 9 days of leave before their graduation and eventual deployment, we were lucky to get one 4 day weekend and 4 days of leave before our deployment. It just goes to show me—and confirm—that this training is not consistent and does not follow any guidelines whatsoever.

I guess I should be grateful to be given 4 precious days after being away from my family for 3 months and before I get sent to Iraq for 15 months. Should I feel taken cared of? Who is thinking of my family? What kind of training is this that gives more to one class and less to the other? But this is the way business has been running lately, cutting corners to get some mission done.

This past week the rest of Class 18 left the compound enroute to their assignments. Many peers of our Captain Career Course were part of that class. It was sad to see them go, wished them luck and then reality hit me like a brick over my head; “You are next!” We have less than two weeks of training here and I seem to be spaced out thinking that I have to decide what I am going to take but not making a packing list. Class 18 had around 700 people—unlike our class with only 60. We no longer have to fight for parking spots nor make long lines in the dining facility; the camp looks ghostly and there’s a somber kind of feeling every time we see the duffle bags of soldiers piled on crates by the road in the morning but gone by lunch time. Everybody knows what happened but nobody talks about it because nobody wants to think about the day our duffle bags will make the scene of the day.

In Funtown, most of the time I feel as if my life is in disarray. It is hard to adjust to these living conditions and to the fact that my day is scheduled by somebody else who could care less if I don’t feel like getting out of bed that day. This past week, we stayed out in the field from early morning to 4:30 am the next morning. I was exhausted, ready to say some of my “magic words” to the first person that crossed me but then I shut myself up and realized that at least I was still here; that the next day I could get up and make a call home with my cell phone and tell my family that I love them and miss them…Class 18 cannot do that anymore—at least not whenever they feel the need to.

So, to finish this post I will submit to you to appreciate the freedom that you have, the friendly and unfriendly neighbor, the long drive to the store, the crappy TV shows, the ease for people to find you by calling your cell phone, the road rage, the taxes and the ability to turn around and hug and tell your friends and family how much you appreciate them or how mad they make you when they don’t clean up after themselves. Those are the things I find to be missing here and the things I will miss there.

I will miss my baby son first day of school, my middle son growing and learning how school changes throughout the grades, my older son entering high school and learning to be a good young man. I will probably miss his first attempt to have a real girlfriend, if he decides to shave that little fuzz growing on top of his lips and how he decides to approach life as an adolescent. I will miss Sammy’s baseball games, his report cards, his school assemblies and the way I woke him every morning by laying beside him in bed while rubbing and kissing his head. I will miss Vance saying “Mom, I want you” and extending his tiny arms to me showing me just how much he needs me in his life. I will miss him falling sleep beside me and hanging on to my neck as to make sure that I will not leave him again, at least not when he is sleeping. I will miss Kabral telling me that he still needs my "lovings" and laying his head on my lap so I can tickle his back and rub his hair. I will miss Trace telling me I am the best cook in the world and the best Mom a boy can have. I will miss him working hard in the garden so I can be impressed and happy with all the flowers and trees he planted for me. I will miss my house, my home and for the whole time I am gone I will wish I was there.

This video was taped in April when I went home for Easter Weekend. Kabral began to play guitar in January and by April he worked hard to learn to play Pink Floyd’s “Wish you Were Here” because he knew that this song was one of my favorites, ever. The night I came home, he sat down and played it for me and I could not help but to cry inconsolably until he was done when I could not stop myself from kissing him and hugging him. Enjoy….



I also want you all to see this video. Remember all of us and give us your support by making good decision when you go to the vote. That is the way America shows its support for the troops.

Tornado Week In Funtown

This has been a heck of a week here in Funtown. The week started out pretty good, the weather was in the 80’s with a nice breeze so, it wasn’t that bad at all. We went to the M240 Machine Gun Range during the day and during the night. It was actually fun and I guess I found the one weapon system that I am good at.




Click here if you cannot see the video above.

By Tuesday—when we had to do the 50 cal range—it was already getting cloudy and miserable. The rest of the week was like living with a person with multiple personality disorder; fine now and completely different a few moments later. We had some boring classes from Wednesday through Friday that confirmed my assumptions about this to be wasted time. We are still not sure when we are going to fly out and how much time we are going to be able to spend with our families. I cannot even begin to tell you all my thoughts on that.

For the past 15 years, I have known nothing but the Army life and I have tried my best to be a good leader and a good example for my troops. I have especially made sure that I do not cheat my soldiers out of their family time because this time—I truly believe—is what drives us all to continue with the difficult task that are cast upon us. Now, as I sit as the “soldier” that needs to be taken care by the superior, I cannot help but to feel dissapointment on the little concern the leadership has given to ensure we spend time with our families before we go to Iraq—especially now that our tours have been extended for 15 months. I guess I will just have to get used to be an expendable thought for some that seem to have better things to do.

The weather in Kansas has been out of control. There has been tornados, floodings and even deaths throughout the area. I had a pretty disturbing night last night because we were under tornado watch and I could not stop thinking that I am presently living in a mobile home…SWEET!!! We were trying to figure out where we were going to try to run to if something happened and came to the conclusion that we would most likely have a pretty windy night.

I also decided to go the people at the dinning facility and told them to change the channel from FOX news to CNN or some other news channel because I was interested in knowing what is really going on in the world…sometimes I cannot help myself. Needless to say… the channel is still in FOX news, God forbid we are informed of current events without having a conservative spin on it. That could be disastrous!!! I did have enough time to see that the new book by George Tenet have some people pretty upset… funny, now I want to read it. Any thoughts?

Changes…

Another week has gone by here in Fort Riley. Time here seems to be flying by which could be good or bad—depending on how you look at it. Many of the people that were with us in the Captain’s Career Course are getting ready to leave,—or are leaving today—giving our team the loud and clear message that our time is up really soon. It is an eerie feeling to see so many people that you know deploy. I can only hope and pray that that they get to come home safe and that their tour is not met with unfortunate events.

As for us,—our team—we have been waiting for higher up to tell us when we are going to be able to go to see our families before deploying. The word was that we might have at least a week to see our loved ones but now—as everything in the Army these days—our deployment date has been pushed up and consequently we will be lucky if we get four days at home. Since the news, all of our training is being jam-packed in our schedule and now we seem to be scrambling to get out stuff together.

My sentiment on all these changes is ambiguous. At times I am glad that we are leaving sooner because that means that our time will start counting down and this means a day closer to come home but sometimes I am sad and disgruntled because I wanted to spend more time with my family before I have to leave them for so long. I have been living on my own since August of 2006 and by the time I come home, it will be 25 months that I have been gone away from my home. I often wonder how I am going to be able to make it or how my children are going to deal with it.

Distance can be a real nuisance in somebody’s life. Most people change when they are apart, especially when they are apart for two years. Most people learn to get into a routine that will aid them get through the day and this is often hard to merge with the routines another one brings home. As I sit here, I have to learn to make it through the day without listening to my children laugh or even cry. I sit here living with memories of what it used to be when I was home like if it was a distant dream, something that I cannot experience for a long time. I wish I could be home…

All I can hope for is that this distance and this loneliness that forces me to scrutinize my life, my actions and what I thought was important to me, transforms me into a better person. I know that like things in the Army, I will have a different outlook on life when I come back. I know that I will have seen and experienced things that the majority of Americans cannot fathom; I just have to figure out how to turn these experiences, these two years, into a positive change in my life and hope I never think of it as a wasted years.

I use to be Vanessa, now I am just CPT Hill…

Another week is going by in beautiful “Funtown.” The training has required us to wear about 60 pounds of gear almost everyday and this has made my body start to ache as if I was an 80 year old woman. My competitiveness is a problem with me sometimes since I refuse to sit down and take a rest.

We were taken to do a “stress fire” range. Here, we were instructed to run ±100 meters with all of our gear, and weapons then, we had to low crawl in the mud for another 50 meters and finally start shooting at targets while we were dealing with absolute exhaustion. We shot from the prone position,—laying on your belly—from the kneeling position, then standing and finally walking towards our target. I did well but I could feel my legs and my arms giving up slowly as I kept pushing harder and harder to make it through.

Throughout the week, we have simulated attacks on our convoys and even when we walk around the compound. It is a nuisance at times but sometimes you end up learning a lesson and thinking about other possible actions to take if something like it would happen in reality. Our team seems to be coming together better with time. It is always challenging to group 10 people together 24/7 and force them to work together. It was rough in the beginning but it is getting easier with time.

Here I am just another soldier. The roles that I am used to—wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend—have no place in here. My name is just CPT Hill. It is like jumping into another universe and learning to be somebody completely different than what you used to be.

I listen to people talking—soldiers and civilians alike—and I can sense how some of them feel our leaders—all the way to the top—are pushing our limits and using us in disregard of the true meanings of our lives. Some think that the Congress is pulling the rug off the troops by wanting them to come home and others think that’s the right thing to do becaue we’ve had enough. My question is for those that think bringing the soldiers back home is not a sign of support: how can you think that saving more American soldiers lives is not supporting them? Does people really think that all of the Armed Forces are tickled to go and put their lives in danger for a situation that has not gotten better in four years? I wish I had the answer but unfortunaly those are the questions I will leave you guys with to think about and maybe you can post a comment or two and let me know what you think.

Until the next one….