Just when you think you know everything...

Needless to say, the last three months were filled with changes, adjustments and fun. I’ve had to get used to my new image which has been a real change for me. I still look in the mirror and don’t recognize my new upper body. It is like I am waiting for them to fade away but they are always there. I do not know how long is going to take me to get use to my new body and to the way people react to it.

I had contemplated a breast augmentation for years but I did not think that I was ready for it. You see, I wanted to learn to love my body and be comfortable with it, just the way it was. I know it sounds incongruous with the end result but it is true. I wanted to feel happy just the way I was. For some time I was too consumed with my breast or the lack of them. My complex was such that I tried my best to wear things that would not bring attention to my upper body. That lasted for most of my 20s but when I entered my 30s, I discovered a new found love for myself. I finally was comfortable with my body and accepted all my faults. My hips are big, my breasts were small but it does not define who I am.

In March, after much contemplation and weighing the good and the bad, I decided to go through the surgery. One of the things that bothered me the most is that I used to take pride in my simple, low maintenance but all natural look. That would definitely change, I will not be all natural but I finally said “I am ready.” I had to visit a plastic surgeon for a medical condition and took advantage of the visit to inquire about the surgery. I did it and I don’t regret it.
When I look at pictures of myself before the surgery, I do not see an ugly woman or less than a woman. I love to look at them because I see the same person that I am today. Of course, my clothes fit different but that’s to be expected; still, they are the same clothes I had before. I still do not let my body define me, MY BRAINS DO! So…

The purpose of this post is for all of you that have wondered if I did but cannot find a way to ask and for all of those that for some bizarre reason thought I was not happy with my image, myself or my body and that was the reason for my surgery. I have always loved my body, I think of it as my temple and nothing has changed with that. For years my dear husband have told me not to do it because—he says—I was beautiful as I was but he still love me as much as he did before. Finally, thank you for those of you that worried, called me, cooked for me (Michelle Sanchez) or in some way or another supported me through the change.

I am fuller but I am still me and most importantly, my opinionated brain is still intact. You see, you don't know JACK!!! :)

Oh! The Places I've Been!...

I wake up early everyday and I still cannot believe that I am living in the place that witnessed my birth and some of the most significant events in my life. I look at all the familiar places and sometimes wish I did not remember anything at all. It is bittersweet to be home but I have tried to put a spin to those not so good memories and think, “Oh! The places I’ve been…”

As I continue to live here, I find more people from my past. Some, I am happy to see…others, not so much. I am reminded every day of how much I have lived in the past 17 years and how different I am now. I left Puerto Rico when I was 19 years old, with a broken heart and a little bit of cash (no more than $100). I embarked on an adventure that—many thought—was going to beat me and send me right back to where I started. They were wrong, so wrong… No matter how hot tempered I am, the thought of coming back to dwell in self pity kept me focused throughout all the stress of being away from my family while being yelled by strangers.

During the past 17 years, I have seen the sunrise in the Orient and the sunset in the West. I have traveled across the United States only missing visiting Alaska, North Dakota, and Hawaii. I have seen the Statue of Liberty, the Washington Monument, the Gran Canyon, Mount Rushmore, Alcatraz, the Alamo, and many other historic landmarks of the United States. I have driven over the Rocky Mountain, The Great Smoky Mountains, the Black Mountains, the Appalachian Mountains, the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and Cascade Mountains—among many others that I do not even remember. I have swam in the second biggest reservoir in the United States—Lake Powell, AZ—and spent a week enjoying its hypnotic landscapes. I drove over the Mississippi River and discovered a completely different culture in the South of the United States.

I visited Germany, France, Canada and took a joyride through Mexico. I have met thousands of people of from different places. We have compared stories and I found out that in the end, we are more alike than not. We all most likely value family, our friends, and good earned dollar. I found that ignorance is not bliss, is unfortunate. I found that only insecure people hate others because they are jealous of their achievements. I pity the ones that resolve to racism instead of acknowledging they are afraid of the unknown. I have seen racism—and experienced discrimination—but I have also seen incredible acts of unity and goodwill. In all, I have learned not to measure everybody with the same stick and quietly get to know somebody instead of prejudging them.


Oh! The places I’ve been!... Aside from all the physical places I have been to, is the journey of my emotional growth that has given me the widest wingspan of all. Today, as I look at my life in retrospect, I can honestly say that… Even though I miss—and will continue to miss—my Island, the sacrifices made along the way have made this homecoming a revelation into who I really am.

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

---Dr. Seuss

Moving on to a better life...

For all of those who had been reading my blog for the past year or so--or even a few months--I would like you to know that my Family and I have arrived in our new duty station in Puerto Rico. We have finally settled and want to share our experiences with all of you who had faithfully followed my journey through the roughest emotional times of my life.

I want to thank all of you that gave me your support and would love to hear from you in our family blog.

Please click on the Blog name and it will redirect you to it or simply type www.hillplanet.blogspot.com in your web address bar.

Again, thank you and we hope to hear from you soon.

Pirates of the Caribbean

My Preparation to Leave a Year Long Love and Hate Relationship with Iraq...

I am finally looking at K-1 from the back window of an MRAP. I am not driving; I am not part of the “teams” in the convoy; no aid and litter team, no LZ team… I am just a passenger, I am just doing my last 10-mile trip across Kirkuk to reach the American base and then move on and fly away.

It was an eerie feeling to move out of my room on Sunday…I was out of my comfort zone now. That room witness so much of my life and yet, it was only four walls in a crappy Iraqi building. The tears, the laughs, the frustration I felt this past year was all displayed in the privacy of those four walls. My anger after the stomach revolting feeling of betrayal, and inability to do what it takes to fix it all was felt by those walls with every pen, phone, key chain—or whatever was in sight—that I threw against it. Most of all, the horrifying realization of loneliness while I cried for those that had never let me down, those that hold me when I was down and helped me up, was only safely flaunted inside those four walls.

At the same time, moving into a transient room gave me the sense that I was leaving soon; that soon I would not have to worry about running to those four walls in order to be myself. This has been a life changing year and it is not because I saw dead bodies—which I did not—or because I was engaged in huge battles—which I was not—it is because I saw some of the real Iraq. It is because instead of fighting them, I tried to live with them, to co-exist in the same space and with very little distance. …A new temporary room …focus…focus!

On May 16, 2008, I took my last trip to the nasty bathroom, last trip to the coffee pot in the kitchen, and finally my last walk through the doors of the building that accommodated me for almost a year. I jumped in the back of the MRAP—after putting my bags inside—and I sat in the back; “I am passenger today,” I thought to myself. We drove to the range for the last time, I looked at the airfield where I went to run—, or walk—then I looked at all the other buildings in the compound as we passed by.

Finally, out the gate and into the streets of Kirkuk but somebody else if honking the horn to the incoming traffic, somebody else is keeping the traffic away from the vehicles behind us. She is gentler than I was. I was too jaded to be patient; it is time for me to move on. I watched the whole town pass by from the back window of an MRAP, something I have never done before. I have always driven while I was here, only for four convoys did I not go as the lead vehicle. It is very different when you can actually look around. I saw things off the left and the right that I have never seen before because I always focused on the road and the immediate sides of it.

I am living out of a bag again. Usually, that is something that I detest but today I made an exception because this time, this bag will take me home. I am not sure how long I am going to be staying in the American Base in Kirkuk, there are horrible sandstorms today, and visibility is poor to none. Flights have been canceled and I am not sure how that will affect us but one thing is for sure…I am coming home!!! I am on my way, home sweet home!!!!

The Heat is On...

Spring is gone and with it the spring showers and the cool breezes. The temperature has passed 100˚ F already. The little grass that grew here is now burnt and all the nasty desert critters are out and biting. The air conditioners are on high and the sun block made it out from the drawer to the top shelve. It is not even May yet!!!! 

We spent 10 days in an American FOB because we were needed to turn in our HMMVs (High Mobility Military Vehicle) and draw the new and improved MRAP (Mine Resistant Ambush Protected) vehicles. We scheduled four days of training but still had other business to attend over there. I was happy that my buddy Sonia was back from leave when we arrived at the FOB. Although I like the guys, I was not looking forward to spending 10 days with them or wondering alone through the base. Lack of planning resulted on having the tents for our sleeping quarters.

Sonia and I went to the tents at around 11pm and said “hell no” so we arranged to take our stuff somewhere else and took care of our business. Do not ever underestimate what determination can accomplish… Anyway,…It was a grueling week, the temperatures were high and oppressing. The training was mediocre and we ended up driving around the same roads for 4 days, quite boring after the second time around.

On Friday, we took the test and graduated from the MRAP Training….WOO HOO!!!! The whole week was a poorly planned event but I will refrain from commenting too much on the subject. I currently have less than 22 days to arrive in the United States of America. I cannot wait!!! But I just found out that I gained 10 lbs and now have 22 days to try to get back to my normal weight, nicely done!!!

I tried to stay up to date with what has been going on back in the States, especially the primaries. I do not know if I am as excited about this election as I was in the beginning. I feel like the democrats are handing this election over to the other party. At this pace, the republicans will not even have to campaign. Why bother when you have two clowns ripping each other to shreds right now. I wish that soon, very soon…the candidate that is behind could think about what is good to the Country and concede. Come on people….this is not about you!!! This is about 140,000 Army troops in Iraq and all the Air Force, Marines and Navy that are here also doing things that are way out of their comfort zone.

While I was in Warrior, I noticed the obvious difference that it makes to work and live with the Iraqis every day. The people that live in American FOBs and do not have to deal with the Iraqis on a daily basis—MiTT teams included who do not actually live with the Iraqis all the time—have a total different perspective of what really goes on in the Iraqi Army. The difference is monumental, it is almost hard to explain, and the only way I can attempt to do so is by saying…it is like the difference that exists between how you behave in a corporate dinner and how you actually behave at home.

I know I am being vague but I promise there will be more to follow…PEACE!!!!                                                                                         

A Note left for ToxicTidepool...

This post has explicit language. I suggest you do not read it if you are offended by strong language. It was posted somewhere else but I have decided to let you all read it also...

From Iraq With Love for ToxicTidepool

by valeana30

Wed Apr 16, 2008 at 02:48:03 PM BT

Before I begin writing this note--I want to call it a note--I must put a disclaimer and let you all know that I am ESL (English as Second Language) and therefore, I tend to make lots of mistakes with my verb tenses. With that said...This note is to describe my feelings about my tour in a strange land and to let you all know a little bit more about the one all of you call ToxicTidepool; I call him Baby, Honey, Boo Boo....

• valeana30's diary :: ::

I have been serving in Iraq now for the past 11 months of my life. I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, a wife, and a mother to three beautiful sons. I joined the Army when I was 19 years old and the Golf War was at its closing stage. Consequently, it is impossible for me not to realize that "war" is the main job description for an American Soldier. Still,...I always thought that if the time would come for me to leave and spend time in the middle of a war...well...that it would be an honorable cause. I am not so sure about that right now...

I came to Iraq with an open mind and trying not to make judgment. I thought that even though we should not have gone into Iraq, it was necessary to stay there now and ensure they were prepared to manage their own country. I really thought that we should not pick up and leave because their chaos was created by us. I have gone through immense changes of opinions throughout my tour here. Although my heart still hurts for the children and innocent people of Iraq, I am frustrated and exhausted. I have spent almost a year directly working and advising an Iraqi Officer but unfortunately, I do not have much to brag about.

My job here has been extremely limited by the fact that I am a woman and by the fact that their culture does not allow them to be open minded. I spend most of my days proving myself right or showing them wrong. It is annoying. To add to my frustration, I think of my family and I wonder why the hell I had to leave my children and husband if I had no chance to make a change. OK, yeah....they have more cultural awareness, blah, blah, blah...it all briefs well....at the end of the day I am nothing but a big mouth American woman. I cannot tell you how many times I lie in bed and cry in anger.

I used to be a nicer person; at least I think I was when I was at home. I know for sure that I am a good mother; I have not bluntly messed that up yet. Now, I am so cynical...pessimistic...My life at home is surreal, it is like a distant dream that I once had. I have spent the last two years of my life alone, without my children...sometimes I forget that I had them. I go out driving my badass HMMV and I think I am in the middle of a Mad Max movie; I forget that my sons would cry if they even saw the situations I have had to go through. Then I come back to my room, lose all my 50 + pounds of gear and get ready to jump in the shower. It is in that moment that I stop being this retarded GI Jane and I am human. In my birthday suit, I see my c-section scar, my stretch marks in my tummy and I then bent over in sorrow and break into tears. My children...I have three of them...what am I doing and why the fuck am I here!!!!

Other times I lie in bed alone and I need warmth,...yes, the kind that only ToxicTidepool can give me. I cry, and cry...what have I done? How much more can I ask of this man? It has been since January that I felt his lips kissing my lips and his touch caressing my body. I miss getting up in the morning to do PT and kissing him goodbye. I miss watching him smile and be silly with me. Shit, I even miss arguing with him...!

I know that when ToxicTidepool writes his diaries he sometimes sounds like he is over his head but you have no idea how wonderful this man is. He has been taking care of our three children by himself for the past two years. He takes them to music lessons, games, concerts,...you name it. He reads to them at night, cooks them healthy meals and tries to stay on top of the laundry. He has done everything in his power to maintain a stable environment at home and when I saw the kids during Christmas, I could see with my own eyes that he is doing a magnificent job. It takes a lot to ensure a two year old baby does not forget about Mommy through the next two years....he did that. My baby—who is not a baby anymore because he just turned four—acts as if I have never left him. It makes it so much easier for me to deal with the guilt.

So, ToxicTidepool gets mad at times and have kicked the dog, maybe he curses more than he should but you know what...fuck it...I love him just like that. I get mad too. I throw shit against the wall, go running stupid for endless miles until I throw up, I blast heavy metal in room, and sing WAR PIGS at the top of my lungs...Anger is natural. Deployments make people mad, very mad.

I am close to come home now, I am more scared than I have ever been and I am trying to be as careful as I can. I barely sleep anymore but when I do, I lately wake up agitated because I dream about explosions and the enemy getting inside of our little compound. I sleep with my M9 under my pillow and my riffle under my bed. WTF...this is not life.
Anyway, I am done ranting for now, I have to get ready to go and stay in the American Base for the next two weeks. I am sad because I will not be able to talk on the messenger with my Honey but I will try to compensate by eating all the Baskin Robins ice cream the Army Dinning Facility has to offer.

To close this little note, I want to say that is it my opinion the Military Service Member are being abused and disregarded by our top officials. I feel as my life is expendable while the originators of this mess enjoy the peace and high gas prices at home. Not everybody is fighting this war, only a small percentage of the population is being touch by this war. Still, many people support staying here for years to come. To those that support and unlimited occupation in Iraq I say, if you are so adamant about this cause take a trip to the nearest recruiting office and enlist everybody in your family of serving age...I guarantee you that your mind will change after you live with these people for a year. PEACE!!!

Party Invitation

Missing The Changes...

On April 4, 2008, my precious little boy turned four years old. Once again, I sat in somber silence and contemplated the past two years gone by. In my room, I watched the family videos that we took before we separated in the Summer of 2006. I suddenly found myself crying and hating the last two years of my life. What do I have to show for all this time? Guilt, nothing but guilt.

In 2003, Trace and I planned to conceive our third child and in 04/04/04, we were blessed with Mr. Vance Korben Hill. He made his entrance in our world and claim it his own. Ever since my pregnancy, Vance made me feel different and when it was time for him to be born, he also decided he would come on his own terms and in his special transverse way.

Vance decided he would come into this world late and after finding a comfortable place in my belly, he refused to assume a birthing position. Consequently, having Vance was only possible through surgery but I just wanted to make sure our baby was safe...And so he was, at 8 lbs 5 oz and 21 1/2 inches long, he was a healthy baby boy. My blonde, blue eyed boy...I cannot believe he came from me!!!

 

He was a beautiful, quiet, and perfect baby and to this day, he has not cease to impress me with his outgoing personality and his incredible memory. I left my baby when he was two years old, he just turned four, but I still have an image of a baby in my mind. I missed the day that stopped calling motorcycles "mimiacles", I missed the first day he went to the toilet on his own and the day he stop wearing diapers for good. I missed several haircuts, laughs, cries, and I missed watching him lose his baby fat.

I will be home in 43 days and I cannot wait to start rebuilding my relationship with my sons. I cannot wait to make up all the time I have stolen from my children; to receive the unconditional love that only a child can give you and to reciprocate with all my love and attention. I know I cannot get those years back, I know that I can never re-enact the milestones he traveled while I was gone but now I can make sure I am there for the rest.

  

Luckily for me, Trace has done an incredible job and my baby son still calls for Mom, even in his sleep. I am so blessed to have a family that celebrates me every day and with everything they do. The next step is get home; get home the four men in my life, :).

Vrod, I hope you had a wonderful birthday and that you enjoyed your chocolate cake. I cannot wait to see you grow and to share thousands of special moments with you. We just have to make it through this next 43 days and then your Mommy will be there with you again to baby you and give you all the hugs and kisses that you like so much. Just say you'll wait... you'll wait for me....

These are just some of the pictures we have taken of our little boy over the past four years. Vance looks just like his Dad but he is incredibly photogenic like his Mom....ha ha ha. Peace!!!!