The time has come, the saddest day in my life…

The time finally here for us to be “leaving on a jet plane”—like somebody once said—and begin our new adventures in a foreign land far, far away. When said like that, it sounds like if it was the beginning of a fairy tale but there is no fairy tales here to tell. The approach of this administration has not changed at all during the past four years, we “stay the course” against all odds. A man named Benjamin Franklin once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” This I find to be true in our personal lives as well as in our government. Referring to our government:

I believe history has been recorded, taught and told in order to provide us with a tool to lean on, a tool by which we can make wiser and more sensible decisions. Previous wars fought should serve as a recount of lessons learned; still, it seems we continue to make similar mistakes while refusing to make changes. Many people believe that those who do not know their history bound to repeat it, well…I guess this could be the case.

I spent Memorial Day weekend with my family in Washington. Once again, the rhododendron
were blooming, the irises were also at full bloom and our yard looked like a fairy wonderland. I enjoyed my time at home and—amazingly—it felt as if it was much more than four days.

We went deep-sea fishing and caught 40 rockfish (sea bass) and 2 lingcods—yummy, yummy for my tummy. We also took long walks on the beach, played in the yard and just tried to spend some quality time with each other. I was surprised to see how strong my babies are being for me.

Although it was hard to leave them, their continued effort to try to make me feel better amazed me, and it is—still—giving me the strength I need to carry on with this next chapter of my life.

Trace flew back with me to Kansas so he can see me leave and take the Blazer back home. It was nice to have him here with me and show him how I have been living for the past three months and who I am deploying with. We only had hours together but they were well spent and I am happy I had this opportunity, especially because I made him help me with the lifting… ;)

So, very early tomorrow “I am leaving on a jet plane” but you can bet your sweet selves that I will be back again and then…we will have a party.

The Meaning of Butterflies...

Because it evolves from egg to caterpillar to chrysalis and then emerges in its full glory from an inert cocoon, the primary symbolism of a butterfly is that of the soul, transformation and rebirth—the creation of life from apparent death. To the Chinese, the butterfly is an emblem of immortality. Conversely, because of its flight behavior, the Japanese regard it as a symbol of fickleness and compare it with vain women; a pair of butterflies, however, signifies marital happiness, and a white butterfly represents the spirit of the dead. Christian tradition accepts the butterfly as an emblem of resurrection (the caterpillar signifying life and the cocoon death), but has additionally considered it a symbol of vanity and transience because it lives for such a short time. In Ancient Greece, Psyche was represented as a butterfly because both shared the same name. In dream analysis, the butterfly denotes new beginnings.

A Mother's Day Without My Kids

It seems like time is just flying by here now. We are in the last stretch of our training trying to plan out all the things we need to do to get out of here with everything that we need. We have been training on how to clear and search buildings—something that our team will not be doing, hopefully. We also had convoy live fires last week and were out in the field until 4:30 am. Besides those few days, there has been a lot of down time which makes me a little upset because I rather spend that time with my kids at home.

Last Sunday was Mother’s Day and it had to admit that it was the hardest Mother’s Day for me. I have been away from my kids before during Mother’s Day but there is something about knowing that you won’t spend the next one with them either that makes me sad, very sad. My children are going through many changes and I have to learn about them through emails and phone calls. I find this unfair but…these times shall also pass and things are going to be better.

The past 9 months of my life have been a true revelation for me. I have spent so much time by myself I had no choice but to get to know Vanessa, to know who I really am. I feel like I have done years of growing while being away. My senses, my emotions and the way I look at life is so much different than how it was last summer. I have truly learned to appreciate the little things in life. Being here in Kansas—especially—has been a true test to my strength but somehow I have learned to find something beautiful that will keep me smiling at least once a day.

Therefore, to make my day a little better and to find some peace, I drove west to a state park where I laid on the grass and chased butterflies all day. It was cute…I saw some Monarch and Red Admiral butterflies—also known as Vanessa atalanta—they were flying all around me and so, in my loneliness, I found comfort and beauty. I guess this was a reminder that there’s beauty everywhere, you just have to choose to see it…you have to open your eyes and see the things that are right in front of you before they fly away. I am being blessed now by seeing all the beauty around me and recognizing it as such. Here's a Vanessa atalanta...

This is the sunset over the reservoir and also a picture of the country side in the plains of the midwest...there's peace everywhere you want to find it...

Reality Check....

We are getting close to the end of our training here in “Funtown.” To be completely honest, I have not been this frustrated, ever! in the last 15 years of my military career. I have been waiting for news of our graduation date, our leave and our fly date out of here but it all has been one after another futile effort to be proactive. Today, I was finally told—even though it's not official—that we will have 4 days to visit our families…lovely!!! While other classes enjoyed numerous 4 day weekends plus 8 to 9 days of leave before their graduation and eventual deployment, we were lucky to get one 4 day weekend and 4 days of leave before our deployment. It just goes to show me—and confirm—that this training is not consistent and does not follow any guidelines whatsoever.

I guess I should be grateful to be given 4 precious days after being away from my family for 3 months and before I get sent to Iraq for 15 months. Should I feel taken cared of? Who is thinking of my family? What kind of training is this that gives more to one class and less to the other? But this is the way business has been running lately, cutting corners to get some mission done.

This past week the rest of Class 18 left the compound enroute to their assignments. Many peers of our Captain Career Course were part of that class. It was sad to see them go, wished them luck and then reality hit me like a brick over my head; “You are next!” We have less than two weeks of training here and I seem to be spaced out thinking that I have to decide what I am going to take but not making a packing list. Class 18 had around 700 people—unlike our class with only 60. We no longer have to fight for parking spots nor make long lines in the dining facility; the camp looks ghostly and there’s a somber kind of feeling every time we see the duffle bags of soldiers piled on crates by the road in the morning but gone by lunch time. Everybody knows what happened but nobody talks about it because nobody wants to think about the day our duffle bags will make the scene of the day.

In Funtown, most of the time I feel as if my life is in disarray. It is hard to adjust to these living conditions and to the fact that my day is scheduled by somebody else who could care less if I don’t feel like getting out of bed that day. This past week, we stayed out in the field from early morning to 4:30 am the next morning. I was exhausted, ready to say some of my “magic words” to the first person that crossed me but then I shut myself up and realized that at least I was still here; that the next day I could get up and make a call home with my cell phone and tell my family that I love them and miss them…Class 18 cannot do that anymore—at least not whenever they feel the need to.

So, to finish this post I will submit to you to appreciate the freedom that you have, the friendly and unfriendly neighbor, the long drive to the store, the crappy TV shows, the ease for people to find you by calling your cell phone, the road rage, the taxes and the ability to turn around and hug and tell your friends and family how much you appreciate them or how mad they make you when they don’t clean up after themselves. Those are the things I find to be missing here and the things I will miss there.

I will miss my baby son first day of school, my middle son growing and learning how school changes throughout the grades, my older son entering high school and learning to be a good young man. I will probably miss his first attempt to have a real girlfriend, if he decides to shave that little fuzz growing on top of his lips and how he decides to approach life as an adolescent. I will miss Sammy’s baseball games, his report cards, his school assemblies and the way I woke him every morning by laying beside him in bed while rubbing and kissing his head. I will miss Vance saying “Mom, I want you” and extending his tiny arms to me showing me just how much he needs me in his life. I will miss him falling sleep beside me and hanging on to my neck as to make sure that I will not leave him again, at least not when he is sleeping. I will miss Kabral telling me that he still needs my "lovings" and laying his head on my lap so I can tickle his back and rub his hair. I will miss Trace telling me I am the best cook in the world and the best Mom a boy can have. I will miss him working hard in the garden so I can be impressed and happy with all the flowers and trees he planted for me. I will miss my house, my home and for the whole time I am gone I will wish I was there.

This video was taped in April when I went home for Easter Weekend. Kabral began to play guitar in January and by April he worked hard to learn to play Pink Floyd’s “Wish you Were Here” because he knew that this song was one of my favorites, ever. The night I came home, he sat down and played it for me and I could not help but to cry inconsolably until he was done when I could not stop myself from kissing him and hugging him. Enjoy….



I also want you all to see this video. Remember all of us and give us your support by making good decision when you go to the vote. That is the way America shows its support for the troops.

Tornado Week In Funtown

This has been a heck of a week here in Funtown. The week started out pretty good, the weather was in the 80’s with a nice breeze so, it wasn’t that bad at all. We went to the M240 Machine Gun Range during the day and during the night. It was actually fun and I guess I found the one weapon system that I am good at.




Click here if you cannot see the video above.

By Tuesday—when we had to do the 50 cal range—it was already getting cloudy and miserable. The rest of the week was like living with a person with multiple personality disorder; fine now and completely different a few moments later. We had some boring classes from Wednesday through Friday that confirmed my assumptions about this to be wasted time. We are still not sure when we are going to fly out and how much time we are going to be able to spend with our families. I cannot even begin to tell you all my thoughts on that.

For the past 15 years, I have known nothing but the Army life and I have tried my best to be a good leader and a good example for my troops. I have especially made sure that I do not cheat my soldiers out of their family time because this time—I truly believe—is what drives us all to continue with the difficult task that are cast upon us. Now, as I sit as the “soldier” that needs to be taken care by the superior, I cannot help but to feel dissapointment on the little concern the leadership has given to ensure we spend time with our families before we go to Iraq—especially now that our tours have been extended for 15 months. I guess I will just have to get used to be an expendable thought for some that seem to have better things to do.

The weather in Kansas has been out of control. There has been tornados, floodings and even deaths throughout the area. I had a pretty disturbing night last night because we were under tornado watch and I could not stop thinking that I am presently living in a mobile home…SWEET!!! We were trying to figure out where we were going to try to run to if something happened and came to the conclusion that we would most likely have a pretty windy night.

I also decided to go the people at the dinning facility and told them to change the channel from FOX news to CNN or some other news channel because I was interested in knowing what is really going on in the world…sometimes I cannot help myself. Needless to say… the channel is still in FOX news, God forbid we are informed of current events without having a conservative spin on it. That could be disastrous!!! I did have enough time to see that the new book by George Tenet have some people pretty upset… funny, now I want to read it. Any thoughts?